Bet On Crazy 1 by Peter Nolan Smith

Richie was more forgiving. They had made the move to a diamond exchange on 47th Street. No more Italian subs, but the pastrami sandwich from the Bergers Deli was built for two. Richie and I shared one.

“So what are you going to do?” Richie positioned napkins on his lap and chest to avoid any greases dripping onto his Armani suit. He had bought it ‘hot’ from Frankie Fingers, the street’s haberdasher.

“Work in a club, I guess.” Fifteen publishers had rejected my stories.

“Any ideas?”

“None at all.” I stalled getting a job for several months, while I rewrote my short stories. The amount of typos was astounding, almost as if my fingers suffering from dyslexia.

The New Year brought an eviction notice. I didn’t panic. My landlord couldn’t take me to court for another three months. The refrigerator went empty and the heating was augmented by the gas range, as I typed away at my kitchen table, imagining fame and fortune would save me two minutes after I wrote THE END, then the springs of my typewriter broke with a off-note twang.

I walked to the repair shop through a snowstorm. The man at the counter said fixing the Olivetti portable would cost $50. My “I popped both my knees skiing. I’ll be off my legs for six months. You working?”

“No.” I could see what was coming and realized THE END would have to wait until summer.

“I need someone to schlep around goods.”

“Goods?” I knew ‘schlep’ meant to carry.

“Diamonds, jewelry to repair, money. Someone I can trust. Manny, what you think?”

“Why not?” Manny glanced up from a small pile of iridescent stones. “As long as you show up on time and don’t break my balls, you’ll do fine. $100 a day.”

“Cash?” I hadn’t paid taxes in ten years.

“I’m not the IRS.” Manny dropped a necklace into a small manila envelope and wrote an address. “Take this to the setter. Have him call me, then come back here fast. I got more for you to do.”

“Okay.” I had become a worker in less than a minute.

“Don’t lose anything.”

“Sure.” I stuffed the envelope inside my damp jacket. “What time is lunch?”

“Hasn’t been working for more than a minute and already worried about lunch. I’ll order you a sandwich for when you get back.” Manny resumed sorting the diamonds.

“Thanks,” Richie said from his desk.

“Thank you.” I would be able to pay off my back rent within the month.

“Can you two stop the love story and let the goy get going?” Manny sighed with annoyance.

“You know, Manny, I know nothing about diamonds.”

“Whatever.”

There would be much more than one or two, because I had survived day one as a goyim on 47th Street and my life wasn’t going anywhere fast. At least not in 1990.

THE END OF RICE by Peter Nolan Smith


Thailand has many superstitions. One concerns rice.

Never joke while eating or else a ghost will steal your rice.

The ghosts will have to wait, for this is the beginning of the rainy season and throughout the Kingdom aging farmers are planting rice. The current price for jasmine rice per tonne from the wholesalers is between 15,000-20,000 baht, which has been guaranteed by the government since last year. Mothers and fathers call their children for help with the crop, but fewer and fewer Thai young work the fields. Manual labor is beneath them. As one old farmer said, “The only thing my son knows how to carry is a mobile phone.”

Several years ago at dawn in Bannok my wife’s father asked, if I wanted to plant rice.

“Plant rice. Know life Thai.”

“I don’t know.”

I had seen rice planting all across South East Asia. It never looked like an easy job.

Not in Bali.

Not in Java.

And not in Thailand.

Maybe you not man. Maybe you ladyboy,” joked Den.

“Ladyboys make more money.”

Not you. You ugly ladyboy.”

My mother-in-law, wife, and daughter laughed at the thought of me as a kathoey.

“Okay I’ll give it a try.”

Finish eat. Go field.”

Nu begged off going. She had had her share of the rice fields as a child. Angie, my daughter came with me, carrying cold beers. She knew my weaknesses better than most.

We arrived at the rice paddies with the sun creeping over the palm trees.

Ten migrant Burmese were already hard at work.

To the west mountains marked the frontier.

The air was gentle, but the first rays of the sun promised a hot one by mid-morning.

“Paw-ter, not do rice,” my daughter begged and pulled me from the path.

Angie was worried about my health.

I was not a young man, but neither was Den, who handed me a shoulder bag crammed with baby rice shots.

See me do.”

He stepped off the path into the brown water and began the traditional repetition of planting rice without ever standing up straight.

Now farang.” Den motioned for me to join him.

I stepped off the path. My bare feet sunk into the soft mud and the water lapped at my thighs. Old stalks poked at my tender soles. My technique of stick the rice shoots into the field were met with harsh criticism from the old farmer in Ban Nok.

“A pig shit rice better than you.” Den was joking, but only half-joking about my effort. He was 65 and his fatless body resembled the starving Buddha.

“I never work rice.”

“I see you never work rice.” Den was planting twenty times faster than me and my daughter laughed from dry ground as did several of the Burmese migrants whom Den had hired to assist with the crop. They got paid about $5 a day with a meal.

I got nothing.

“Farang no work rice.”

I had picked apples as a young boy on the South Shore, but couldn’t recall working on a farm since then. Only ten minutes had passed and I was ready to call it quits. I headed for my daughter, who wore a wide-brimmed hat and long-sleeved shirt to protect her skin from the sun. She grabbed cold beer from the cooler.

“You stop work?” Den nodded with satisfaction.

He had bet his wife that I wouldn’t last more than fifteen minutes.

“Yes, I stop work.” I sat on the dirt and drank a Leo beer in one go.

“You same all farangs.”

“Same all Thais too. Where young Thai?” I waved my hand across the fields.

“Your daughter lazy.”

“Not lazy. Not stupid same kwaii,” Angie disrespectfully muttered under her breath and stormed back to the shaded rice shack.

“I last Thai. After me no Thai grow rice. Then they eat air,” Den shouted after me. “Thailand old now. Not young. No one have baby. Only farang.”

He was right, for Thais have been abandoning the rice fields for work in hotels, factories, and bars. Thai families have been shrinking too. Once Den’s generation is gone, the communal rice tradition of long kek will disappear into the abandoned paddies.

Back at the shack I asked Angie, “If I am old and have no money, will you work rice so I can eat?”

“Mai.” Her refusal was quick. “Growing rice for stupid people.”

“Farmers aren’t stupid.”

“Then why they not rich?”

“Money isn’t everything.” Most rice farmers are hopelessly in debt to the banks and one in Asia worked harder.

“You want work rice?”

“No.”

She brought another beer and hugged me.

“Same me.”

My beer was very cold and I was glad she was my daughter.

Smart and loving.

Always.

Den came over to join me.

Angie gave him a beer.

We gave them together.

A Thai and a farang.

He souted for the Burmese to get back to work.

“They drink lao later. We too.”

He is the last Thai I know.

Chai-yo.

Going Up Country – Thai Style

Back in the 60s during their Woodstock concert Canned Heat had a small hit GOING UP COUNTRY.

“Going up country, baby, do you want to come along?”

After Altamont longhairs abandoned the rip-offs, bummers, and downers of the big cities to establish Aquarian communes in the hinterland offering free love, organic food, and reefer to establish a democracy on the foundations of the new age agrarian revolution, unfortunately few of these utopias lasted past the past the winter of the Moral Majority after the Summer of Love.

Why was well-portrayed in T. C. Boyle’s novel DROP CITY about the collapse of a Northern Californian commune and the surviving members’ exodus to Alaska, but that didn’t keep hippies from coming together for another try.

Liked Alan Lage in Encinitas. 1974.

The Iowan had survived cancer as a teen and was living with an LSD professor on a bluff overlooking the Pacific Ocean. I dropped acid with him and his blonde girlfriend on Black’s Beach. Leslie looked like Pattie Hearst, the kidnapped heiress turned bank robber. The cops raided us as SLA revolutionaries. The acid was on paper. They touched it. Within twenty minutes the officers were getting a rush. We left town that night not wanting to witness the cops’ wrath in the morning. I said good-bye to Alan and his girl on the PCH.

“We’re going to Marin to live off the country.”

I almost joined them, but the cops up north would be after Pattie Hearst too.

A year later he showed up in Woodstock New York. Leslie had been replaced by Nona, half-New Jersey/half-Filipino. Skinny as Olive Oyl and smelling of cinnamon. They had a commune of two on a chicken farm. Grass, organic food, and John Lennon. Nona danced to Alan’s guitar. Her sinuous body weaved a trance invading my dreams. She was Alan’s chick and, while I might covet my friend’s chick, I wasn’t going to steal her, because I only break one commandment at a time and this night I went home with a fat girl I met at the Joyous Lake Bar. Babs had big breasts. We had sex in her bathtub next to a babbling creek. Later in her bed we committed sodomy. I should have stayed, but had the ambition to become a writer in New York.

And I thought writers needed to live in the city.

Not the country.

Almost 35 years in Boston, New York, LA, Paris, Hamburg, Bangkok, Pattaya.

My first Thai wife doesn’t like Pattaya.

She preferred living in Ban Nam Phu west of Chai-nat.

Two hours by bus from Pattaya to Morchit. Another 3 hours to Chai-nat, then a fifty kilometer car ride.

Over our years together she has bought twenty rai of land and ten cows. The land was being prepared for a teakwood forest, so we can sell carbon rights to polluting factories and harvest the timber in fifteen years. I went up once a month to visit my wife and daughter.

Crossing the river by ferry at Wat Sing we entered a land without farangs. Just the way I like it.

Rice paddies, egrets, buffalos, butterflies, pigs, trees, mountains, dirt roads, and early evenings drinking beer with rice farmers under a billion stars in the sky.

“Going up-country, baby, do you want to come along?” I loved that song by Canned Heat. They played Woodstock.

Sometimes I think it’d be nice to stay here always, but no one can survive by eating the scenery.

Smoke a little weed, drink a lot of beer, but what would I do for work?

Grow rice?

Only to brew lao-khao whiskey.

Teach English to the children of rice farmers.

The headmaster of my daughter’s school would like that.

10,000 baht/month.

Nature. Quiet. Wife. Daughter. Farm. Beer. Reefer.

But then I ask myself what would happen if civilization collapsed under the weight of global warming. No electricity. No cars. No airplanes. No way to get back to the West.

The sea would flood Pattaya and Bangkok. People would flee inland. I would head up to my wife’s farm. It was on higher ground. 110 feet above sea level. My daughter would be happy to see me. My wife’s family would view me as another mouth to feed.

“What can he do?”

Back in 1995 I was in Tibet with my friend Tim Challen. The road to Nepal had been smothered by a mudslide. We were sort of stranded in Lhasa. He asked, “If the world fell apart, what would be do to live here?”

The choices were simple in Tibet.

“Become a monk or a clown. A clown like Sean Connery and Michael Caine in A MAN WHO WOULD BE KING.”

Tim liked the idea and several years ago I had everyone laughing at a family dinner in the rice paddies telling them about getting a penis transplant from a horse and charging everyone ten baht to see the farang with the ham ma yoow or long horse cock.

Twenty baht to touch it.

A hippie freak show clown.

That would be my calling after the Armageddon.

“Going up-country, baby, you want to come along?”

Den’s Rice Paddies

No one works the paddies anymore.
The old gave up the game.
Enough Work like slaves.
Good season, Bad season. Always the last baht in the pocket.
Never the first. Work sunrise. Sunset.
Breaking back
Breaking feet
Come home at night
The radio on
Playing Luk Thong.
A good day
Today.
Children’s bellies full
Wife smiling
Happy
And a bottle of lao khao
To celebrate
The end of the day
Happy
Chai yo!!!

Thai White Elephant


Many Asian cultures regarded fatness as a sign of wealth, however with the advent of 7/11 consumerism in the Orient obesity is fast becoming a health issue for the region. The Thais like to joke about fat people, whom they call ‘chang-nois’ or little elephants.

“Why are farangs so fat?” An old rice farmer asked me in Ban Nok.

“Pepsi. KFC. Lotus.” Few Thais have yet to make the miraculous connection between mega-supermarkets, 7/11, fast food and obesity.

“Pepsi no good?” Den never drank soda. His favorite beverage was lao-khao or rice whiskey. “7/11 paeng.”

“7/11 is expensive.” I only bought beer there.

“Why farang poom-phoey?”

“Farangs are fat, because they kin aharn mai-dee.” Most westerners live in Thailand without any change in their typically European diet.

“Fat good.”

“No, fat is not good.”

“Puying Thai like khang noi si khao.”

“White elephants?”

“Chai.” Den nodded with rapidity. “Fat farangs same as chang noi si khao.”

“Same?” Only the king can own a white elephant.

“Yes, Thai lady have fat farang and she has good luck. Same king.” The Buddhist adoration of white elephants date back to the birth of Siddhartha whose mother dreams about a white elephant giving her a lotus flower, which symbolized purity.

“So white elephant good luck.” I was overweight and not obese.

“Chang si khao good luck and bad luck.” Den has an uncommon perception for traditions which his wife blamed on his excessive drinking. “Not have many white elephant. But white elephant can not work. Only can eat. Same as farang.”

“Farangs work.” I’ve been working since I was 12.

“Never see farang work rice paddy.” Den considered farming the only honorable work left to a man. “And white elephant not white. More pink.”

“Where you see one?”

“Friend have one. He have to give king. No money. Bad luck more.” Den has no need for money. He lived in the rice paddies protecting his crop from rustlers. A package of tobacco, a little rice whiskey, and he was a happy man. “But good luck for king. He have many white elephants and Thai ladies have many chang-nois. Everyone happy.”

“Even chang-noi?”

“Even chang noi.”

As I said before, Den is a happy man so he knows happy.

It’s the simple things in life.