The Old Man and the Pee

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”

Grandpa says , “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?”Grandpa asks “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.

“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

OLD SCHOOL HUMOR

Sleeplessness 101

Five year ago my sister and I were sitting at her kitchen table. She handed me a newspaper clipping and pointed out an requesting volunteers for a medical survey on sleeplessness.

“Beth Israel is paying $1500 to those candidates completing the 10-day experiment.”

“$1500. That’s a good wage for two weeks.”

I was broke and called the clinic. The receptionist scheduled an interview at noon. My sister taught at a college down the street from Beth Israel and drove me into the Fenway. I walked over to the hospital. I had been born in its Richardson House. This was my first visit since that day.

On the fifth floor I was met by the doctor directing the test.

“Basically you have to stay up 60 hours straight. Someone will be with you. This experiment is to see how far a human can go without sleep.”

I agreed to the test, however I failed the physical. My liver readings were redlining from a session of drinking vodka with my brother-in-law. We had been celebrating a Celtics victory.

My younger sister later informed me that 60-hours sleep deprivation could cause lasting mental problems.

“And possibly death.”

“I could have used the $1500.”

“Enforced sleep keep deprivation can lead to Diabetes, Stroke, high blood pressure, amnesia, skin damage, and number of cardiac problems.”

“Okay, so I didn’t need the $1500 that bad.”

My younger sister gave me a c-note.

Two days later I bussed back to New York with $80 in my pocket.

I read the newspaper on the Fung Wah bus.

The CIA was under investigation for ‘enhanced techniques’ used by the CIA on the thousands of suspects passing through the off-shore torture camps.

One of them was sleep deprivation.

Vice President Cheney had always insisted that losing a little sleep didn’t hurt anyone and neither did standing on their feet for eight hours at a time.

I beg to differ, because later that month I traveled to Russia.

JFK-Moscow-Kiev-Moscow-St. Petersburg-Moscow-JFK in eight days.

Too many flights in to few days.

Normally I crashed for a good 8-10 hours a night.

I barely caught three in Rodina.

My vim was shot, but this was nothing.

The CIA had kept detainees up for weeks on end.

Without any cocaine either.

Give me a little blow and I’ll stay up for a week, but my nerves would be very frayed, despite previous Vice President Cheney’s protestation that a little torture was a good thing.

I love my sleep.

Plus I’m old-fashioned about my dreams.

Cue up Cindy Crawford, please.

I am Old School.

Thai Prison Phii

Why do cemeteries have fences around them?

Because everyone is dying to get in.

It’s the exact opposite for prison.

Okay, this joke isn’t so funny to adults and neither was the 2009 appearance of a ghost in Bangkok’s Crime Suppression Division, where several guests of the state have experienced sleepless nights due to the unwanted presence of a ghost or pii in a red tank top sitting on a cardboard box.

A man charged with credit-card fraud has been possessed several times by this spirit, who has chosen to groan about being released from incarceration. A cellmate collaborated that he had also seen the unearthly ghost try to attack him. His defensive blow struck another prisoner, after which he passed out.

The ghost is supposedly that of a man charged with rape of a family member who hung himself in the cell early this month. The division commander has ordered an exorcism to alleviate the problem, but Mint from Soi 6 said, “When a pii doesn’t want to leave, sometimes it is because they have been cursed for a number of years before they can leave this life.”

An exorcism might work for this pii, but probably only if they open all the doors to the prison, since he can not get out on his own.

Sounds like a prison break to me.

How To Make A Woman Happy


It’s not difficult to make a woman happy..

A man only needs to be

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked

2. Bring alcohol

Does that tell you something?

The Sun Has Set Somewhere

“El imperio en el que nunca se pone el sol.” or ‘the sun never set on your empire’ was a remark attributed to a loyal courtier of the Holy Roman Empire Charles V. His possessions spanned the globe. Philip II gambled its power on the Spanish Armada. Filthy weather in the Channel thwarted his desire to conquer Britain and by the18th Century the English crowed the same sentiment as the hildagos.

“On her dominions the sun never sets; before his evening rays leave the spires of Quebec, his morning beams have shone three hours on Port Jackson, and while sinking from the waters of Lake Superior, his eye opens upon the Mouth of the Ganges.”

Throughout the 19th Century one point the tiffs and teabags dominated a quarter of the world’s population. Maintenance of this empire sapped the Home Countries of capital and manpower. Sea to Sea to sea drained the vitality of the nation. Victorianism led to the noble massacres of Flanders and the Somme. WWII wiped out another generation and the Empire collapsed with the surrender of its Crown Jewels to the niggers, wogs, micks, and chinks.

Winston Churchill was furious. He was English 100%. His mother was an American. Her beauty was international. As an historian Churchill understood the weight of time on power.

“The empires of the future are the empires of the mind.” 1943.

Britain’s remaining oversea possessions consists of Gibralter, the Falklands, Bermuda, St. Helena, Ascension, British Antarctica, the South Georgia Islands, Tristan de Cunha, the South Sandwich Islands, Akrotiri and Dhekelia, the Pitcairn Islands, British Indian Ocean Territory, The British Virgin Islands, The Turks and Caicos Islands, Anguilla, Montserrat, and The Cayman Islands. Margaret Thatcher fought a long distance war against Argentina to reconquer the South Atlantic islands. The last ten years the UK has waged a war in the Middle East against Islamist extremists. The cost of that campaign became clear this last week.

Last week after the beheading of an American journalist by ISIS militants, a British friend was calling for the re-invasion of Iraq to wipe the Muslims off the map.

I reminded him that the British Empire was forged by Celts of Ireland and Scotland.

These people were its foot soldiers.

They are no more.

The days of empire are over for England.

If only America could see that truth.

ps Free Northern Ireland.