Headhunting Beanballers

On August 18, 1967 the Red Sox’s Tony Conigliaro was batting against Angels spitballer Jack Hamilton at Fenway Park.

The first pitch came in high and struck All-Star outfielder in the cheek. He was rushed to the hospital with a linear fracture of the left cheekbone and a dislocated jaw with severe damage to his left retina. HIs batting helmet didn’t have an ear flap.

Brushing batters off the plate with inside pitchers has been a long tradition in baseball, however intentionally attempting to hit a batter with a 90 MPH fastball borders on criminal.

According to Wikipedia no major league pitcher for 90 years has hit more opposing batters than 6’10” left hander Randy Johnson, who has clunked 188 batters surpassing other dangerous MLB bean-ballers; Drysdale (154), Nolan Ryan (158) or Roger Clemens (159)

Many times the manager orders a pitcher to take revenge on an opposing batter.

Put him in his place.

According to Wikipedia “On May 1, 1974, Pittsburgh pitcher Dock Ellis, believing that his team needed motivation, decided to hit every batter in the Cincinnati Reds lineup. Ellis hit Pete Rose, Joe Morgan, Dan Driessen, and tried to hit Tony Perez, but ended up walking him, and threw two pitches at Johnny Bench’s head before he was removed from the game

Dock Ellis also pitched a no-hitter on LSD in 1970.

Tony Conigliaro made a comeback after his injury, however his career was shortened by this bean balling and it may have even caused his death at an early age.

To read Red Sox shortstop Rico Petrocelli’s account of that evening, please go to the following URL

http://www.bostonspastime.com/tonycbeaning.html

Everyone great gets hit in baseball.

It’s long overdue to stop it.

Chang Noi 40% USA

In Thailand zaftig or ample women are called ‘Chang Noi’ or little elephants. They are considered gentle beauties and many men seek pleasure in their comfort. The Land of Smiles is not known for overweight people, although over the past twenty years the plague of fast food and 7/11s has increased obesity to previously unknown levels. My first wife has succumbed to the desire to eat more than can be burnt off my her body. I would also be overweight, except I adopted an African parasite, which melted the thirty pounds off my Neanderthal frame, bring my weight down from 210 to 182.

People in America are not so lucky. Their diet consists of potato chips and burgers. The obese population of a multitude of states are over 40%. They live in food deserts fueled by propaganda ads from Big Food. Alabama as always leads the way with 50% of its citizens trapped within coffins of fat.

ps. It is not from the genes.

It’s from corporate greed.

Pandaphants


Pandas are notoriously slow breeders; indifferent to sex, however Thai zoo authorities have succeeded where native Chinese zoos have failed by breeding pandas with elephants. Tens of pandaphants are tromping around Thailand. Come and see the amazement. They are a sight to see.

4Q Heart-warming Bullshit Stories

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn’t the same fucking elephant.

This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories.

This story came from my friend Dougall.

He is much nicer than a charging elephant most of the days.

Yai Chang In Pattaya

Back in the day elephants nightly wandered the streets of Pattaya to cool off and cadge sugar cane donations to enrich their under-paid mahouts from Isaan. Yai walked down Moo 9 a few nights a week. The scrawny mahout said Yai’s age was about 40.

A little younger than me.

I always had something for Yai, sometimes a quart of Chang beer, but he only had eyes for my two mango trees, especially as they flowered and bore fruit. When the mangoes reached harvest, I pointed to the top of the tree. “Those are yours.”

The top of the trees were covered with red ants supping on the running sap and red ants are no one’s friends.

Yai regarded Nok the mahout holding the ear hook and then me. We nodded ‘go for it’.

Yai and I became closer friends year after year.

At the Buffalo Bar I bought Yai Chang.

Once a drunken Brit gave him a whiskey coke. Yai spit it out along with a snout of snort, covering the lager lout in pachyderm phlegm. Yai, the mahout and I laughed along with the girls of the Buffalo Bar.

In 2008 I moved away from Pattaya to the rice fields of Bannok, but occasionally visited the city of the Gulf of Siam to see old friends and speak my native tongues.

One night in 2011 I strolled down 2nd Road and everyone coming in the opposite direction looked over my head and I turned around to face Yai and Nok.

Elephants walk with a quiet unbeknownst to humans.

They both smiled at me and Yai slipped his trunk around my chest. I got scared, but Yai hugged me with the gentleness of a friend. We drank three beers at a near-by beer bar and he trumpeted his good-bye with an echoing bleat.

I’m 67 now. Yai is probably still around the Last Babylon. One day I’ll go back and find out. It’s what old friends do. See each other.