2007 Pattaya Beach Ratings – Jomtien Beach

My friend, Alan Platt aka the Old Roue, visited Jomtien Beach 20 years ago for seaside romance with a bargirl from Walking Street. “It was sunrise. The sea was gin-clear and little fish were jumping from the water. It was magic.”


Making love at dawn in the sea is erotic poetry in motion, but the ensuing years have been cruel to Jomtien Beach, as unbridled sprawl has covered the inner lagoon with cookie-cutter villas and the improved water treatment consists of flushing twice, but the 4 kilometer-long beach remains a favorite for Thai vacationers for a variety of reasons flying in the face of more rigorous beach reviews from such experts as THE GUARDIAN.

Their Top 10 World Beaches does not include Jomtien.

1. Las Islas Cies, Galicia, Spain
2. Tayrona national park, Colombia
3. Porto da Barra, Salvador, Brazil
4. Anywhere on Palawan, the Philippines
5. Nungwi, Zanzibar, Tanzania
6. Arambol, Goa, India
7. Whitehaven, Whitsunday Islands, Queensland, Australia
8. Shell Beach, Isle of Purbeck, Dorset
9. Sinclair´s Bay, Caithness
10. Aroa, Aitutaki, One Foot Island, Cook Islands

Not one Thai beach made the list.

Too much development and too little care.

Still I like going to Jomtien Beach at lowtide, digging little clams from the sand, drinking beer with the wind in my face, and watching jet skis slalom through swimmers clining to inner tubes. I’ve nver seen a collision, despite the blood-alcohol levels of the drivers, then again Buddha loves drunks too.

Jomtien Beach rating (0-5)

Cleanliness – 2 

The vendors rake the flotsam from the beach.

Water Quality – 2

Plastic remains the beaches #1 product and the water is never really clear.

Safety – 2

The jet ski operators deserve to be shot and there are no lifeguards, but there are no life guards in Thailand. If you drown, mai penh rai, you get reincarnated as a fish.

Beer and babe access – 5

Beer is a finger snap away and girls trawl the beach for loose men. Food from the vendors is dangerous since those fried shrimp can be days old. Of course there’s nothing like food poisoning to take off unwanted kilos.

Total score = 11

Do I swim at Jomtien?

Yes, but I don’t inhale.

My favorite 10

1. Tulum, Yucatan, Mexico where you can swim under Mayan ruins
2. Mae Laem Pheung Rayong Thailand – A long stretch of silky sand great for kids and forgotten by everyone heading for Koh Samet or Koh Chang, plus my daughter loves it.
3. Bingin Beach Bali – A fantastic left break over coral underneath a cliff.
4. The Rivermouth Ogunuit Maine USA – Cold crisp Atlantic breakers smelling of the sea.
5. Olympic Peninsula – Fantastic walks along a forlorn log-strewn coastline.
6. Moonlight Beach, San Diego, California – Surfing, naked girls, seals, and the feelingyou’ve left the face of the earth
7. Crackington Heath Cornwall UK 0- Another bitterly cold beach with fantastic scenery
8. Rockaway Beach NYC – One hour away from Manhattan by subway. the perfect anti-Hamptons beach.
9. Goa India – Riding the beach on a 500cc Royal Enfield with a UK stripper on the back.
10. Hawaii – Almost anywhere. What can you say? Paradise.

Last night I was driving down Jomtien Beach. it was low tide and hundreds of Thais were wandering the water’s edge. Nice with the floodlights illuminating the beach. Maybe the Old Roue would entertain another lover beyond the lights. A little scary makes for thrills.

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