US forces invade Pattaya. God not far behind.

This week the USS aircraft carrier Abraham Lincoln docked at Laem Chabang. Immediately 90% of the crew deserted the vessel for five days R&R in Pattaya. Local officials said the stopover means a welcome boost for tourism. The girls working the bars are especially happy to see these young lads pump hundreds of millions of baht into the local economy, as the end of Songkran traditionally signals the debut of the low season. Not everyone is happy and born-again preachers from the warship have been holding prayer sessions for the sailors.



“We are not fighting a war on terror to help Satan.” A Bible-Belt marine stated on Walking Street.

This jarhead was a member of a God Shore Patrol organized by a naval reverend to aid any wayward sailors tempted by the sins of the flesh. The 20 year-old marine further stated, “There are naked women. here They should be covered. There are bars. They should only be serving soda and juices. Thank God there’s no gambling.”

Groups of these fanatics could be seen praying before several noted establishment.

“I just spent 3 months on board the ship with 5000 men and about 200 women.” An older petty officer said with a beer in his hand. “Your chances of making with any of them women is nil. Hell, most of them are twice the man I’ll ever be and weight twice as much too. This place is paradise.”

Part of the problem comes from the name of the ship an anonymous naval officer admitted sadly. “President Lincoln is known to have slept with men. Wrote about it plain as sin. These sailors get enough lip about being gay. Somehow they think coming to Pattaya will disprove this myth. We’re straight and proud.”

This influx of young men have knocked the old geezers off their usual barstools. The bar girls are eager to be seen with a good-looking sailor rather than an old walrus with a flabby gut. Poo, a dancer from Soi Diamond, stated, “So nice to have a young man. Old men like having second-hand car. Not work too long. Smell too. Sailor not have money like old man, but have fun.”

Not everyone likes the fleet invasion.

“it’s only five days.” Old timers shrugged from the safety of the Buffalo Bar. “None of the swabbies come up here. These girls are stuck with us.”

When reminded that these sailors are the first to arrive for the war games, several regulars said, “I hope they end up with transvestites.”

It’s an easy enough fate and a God Shore Patrol spokesman swore on his Bible. “If we see a sailor with a TV, then we will intervene. This ship has enough trouble with its reputation without someone being damned to hell.”

The Navy has asked any citizens of Pattaya interested in praying for salvation this Wednesday at Soi 6. “Prayers have won us the war on terror. We should be as lucky with the wages of sin.”

The girls of Soi 6 are confused about their being targeted. “We not Christian. Not Satan. This not Hell. Not heaven. Only Soi 6.”

The conflict between God and sin can only heighten as the troops arrive for Cobra Gold.

Supposedly the matter has risen to the president, who is contemplating saying prayers for the troops too. “I’ve been with strippers in my days of sin. I know how hard it is to say no, but I wouldn’t be president of the USA if I hadn’t said yes. You have to know sin to know how to fight it.


He might not have fought in a war, but the president isn’t one to shun his duty.

And that’s what kind of man he is.

A-hole C-Student with a cocaine habit

Just like me.

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