Alligator Protection

Florida has about 1,000,000 Mesozoic inhabitants i.e. alligators and 800-1000 crocodiles. None exist on Palm Beach, except as shoes, belts, and pocketbooks for the filthy rich, however alligator attacks occur in the Sunshine State and every resident and visitor should know the proper response.

First scream.

Won’t scare the ‘gator, but it’ll alert people to the fact that something bigger than a mosquito wants a chunk of you.

Alligators are stronger than they look, but their eyes are sometimes bigger than their stomach, so fat people can try a Sumo move of the giant reptiles to maneuver the beast onto its back.

Covering its eyes helps because then it can’t see you and might forget what it’s doing. Alligators have short attention spans.

If its jaws are shut, then smack it in the nose after covering its eyes. That way it won’t suspect you were the attacker. Man bite dog theory.

If you are in the jaws, avoid being shaken by holding the gator’s both shut, because once you’re in the death roll it’s all over.

“What happened to Jimmie?”

“He forgot to cover a gator’s eyes, while punching it in the snout.”

“Was he holding its mouth shut too.”

“No, he only had two arms.”

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