Zombie Zictims

“Zombies, zombies, zombies.”

Last week headlines across America screamed the warning of a zombie attack in Miami after a crazed naked man at a derelict’s face in public followed by a mother eating her newborn’s toes as well as a Maryland college student confessing the crime of cannibalism to local police and a man mutilating himself with a knife.

Zombies on the loose have seized the imagination of the country and last year the Centers for Disease Control lured teenagers to their emergency preparedness blog by adding zombie apocalypse. This week the CDC stated without any reservation that the organization knows on no virus or condition that would reanimate the dead.

The zombie mania had legs and a zombie video went viral on the internet. Newspapers were quick to report that the zombie attack was probably caused by the attacker’s drug overdose on ‘baht salts’. The stellar quality of this spastic journalism was brought to earth by calmer minds discovering that the video had been faked by a group of young men seeking to challenge people’s racial prejudices.

Most viewers found the video funny, but one RESIDENT EVIL fan said according to rt.com, “They are idiots. Luckily for them, arms are banned in Miami. Should it happen in Texas, I would’ve shot him down without even thinking.”

Arms are banned in Miami?

Gun owners are allowed by allowed by law to strap on firearms, so the pranksters were lucky that they only scared teenagers.

The debunking of this report did not reap a harvest of recantations from the media such as ABC News, which stood by its coverage of the drug-induced zombie craze by printing the testimony of a ‘bath salt addict, “It felt so evil. It felt like the darkest, evilest thing imaginable.”

Bad thoughts lead to bad deeds, but there are no zombies on earth.

Not yet, but if there are I hope that they are the slow-moving zombies of NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD instead of the fast one from RESIDENT EVIL.

The first to satisfy the hunger of the fast-moving zombies will be fat slow-moving zictims.

Rule # 1 – always keep a few fat people around to scream in terror. Zombies love screaming zictims.

ps I understand about the toes of little babies. They look delicious.

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