MangoZeen

The Songkran celebration ushers in the Thai New Year as well as the coming of the rains ending the hot season. The festival is focused on Wan Parg-bpee April 15, when homage is paid to ancestors, elders and other persons deserving respect because of age or position. Younger people poured scented water into the palm of an elder so that bad actions or thoughts will flow away or they sprinkle water onto the person while uttering wishes of happiness and good luck.

In the old days, young people actually helped bathe old people. Some still bring towels so the elders can dry their hands. It was all quite charming, but the tradition has undergone some changes in recent years. I first celebrated Songkran on Koh Tao in 1991. I had never heard of Songkran and was bushwhacked by the staff of the bungalows. Buckets of water soaked me. Wet smiles and squealing laughter followed as I chased the girls for revenge. They were remarkably fast. Afterwards we drank Mekong whiskey and had a good laugh, but nothing stays like that these days.

Fifteen years have firehosed aside these gentle practices. Street vendors hawked squirt guns of every capacity to hooligans ready to spray the unwary with a noxious mixture of itching powder and gutter water. Industrial drinking fueled the unholy holiday madness. Playful water fights escalated from harmless sanuk or fun into vicious shootings redressing old grudges. Pick-up trucks jerry-rigged with plastic reservoirs recklessly raced through unwary pedestrians and ya bah-demented motorcyclists imitated crackheads fleeing a 7-11 robbery.

The migration en masse creates a chaos beyond imagination on the roadways. Travel time is doubled by the congestion of the exodus. Road accidents claimed 68 lives on Friday and Saturday. The injured was heading for 1000. Thankfully the number was less than last year, as a result of an annual media blitz aiming at reducing road fatalities.

Prime Minister Taksin pointed the finger at traffic accidents as one of Thailand’s top three serious health problems, in terms of burden of disease. He said that 30% of inpatient beds of the hospitals under the Thai Ministry of Public Health are occupied by road traffic accident victims. Then again he gets to have to roads cleared for his caravan by the coppers. We are not so lucky on Songkran.

Longtime foreign residents opt for three methods to avoid the mayhem.

The first is flight to another country i.e. Malaysia or Cambodia if the dates coincide with their visa renewals. If you are expecting to do business in the Thai embassy during this time, dream on, because the staffs have returned home for the holiday.

I did this year to Phnom Penh and drank myself silly with my mate, Nick.

Neither of us remembers much of anything, but we didn’t end up in jail and the staff of the hotel was sad to see us leave.

The second is to retreat within the confines of your apartment, condo, or house. Trips during the morning hours are not so wet, as the revelers are sleeping off their drunks. Prior to midday only children line the roads and are hardly able of get the water beyond their reach. After sunset you can travel again, though you should avoid any nightlife zones where the water frenzy continues beyond any constraints of sanity.

Lastly Thais considered any Puritan disapproval of Songkran as a sacrilege against sanuk, so if you can’t beat them, then join them.

Several years back my cousin, Griffin Bede hired a truck. The driver loaded the flatbed with three titanic barrels of iced water and we armed our extended families with multi-liter water nozzles. Overloaded by ten people the pick-up’s tires scrapped the steel chassis, as we cruised Pattaya’s streets with the audacity of Somali tech fighters whacked out on qat.

At Beach Road and Soi 8 the girls from two beer bars deliriously chucked buckets at the passing cars. Griffin deluged them into submission with a high-powered hose. On the corner of Walking Street we unleashed a hurricane on two ranking police officers. Everyone loved that. Beers for everyone.

Songkran can be a lot of fun if you observe some simple rules.

Enter the water festival and drink as much as you can.

Don’t bring your telephone with you or any device that might electrocute you.

Just because a girls is laughing doesn’t mean she is enjoying your dumping ice water down her back. Respect the word ‘no’ or mai ao.

Wear clothing that dry fast i.e. football shirts and swimming trunks.

Sunglasses are good for keeping water out of your eyes, because not all of the water smacking your mug is out of the tap.

Leave your wallet at home. Only carry money. It will get you drunk and out of trouble if you get in an accident. If the embassy has to identify you, they can get dental records.

Do not fall in love with anyone you soak. I did and it ruined by life. Before that I was a happy bachelor. A wet tee-shirt is just a wet tee-shirt.

Keep a jai yen or cool head. Tempers to flare.

During Griffin’s and my tour around Pattaya. We were soaking everyone we could. This win streak instilled a predatory glee in our Thai friends and Griffin’s tattooed wife leapt from the truck to soak several foreigners behind a tree. It was supposed to be fun, but a humorless weightlifter wrenched away Dtum’s water gun. “Sopheni.”

Knocking down the teenager might have been an innocent mistake, but hearing the word ‘whore’ snapped a fuse and I leapt off the truck with a long PVC tube. The steroid junkie lifted his fists. He was bigger and stronger. I lashed his wrists with the plastic pipe.

His watch exploded into a shower of tiny gears. A headshot propelled him over a rack of t-shirts. I kicked the inside of his knee. He genuflected in anguish. Dtum and I jumped onto the truck. She flipped him the finger and the pick-up truck lurched down Beach Road.

“You hit him like napalm.” Griffin handed me a Singha beer. “Thanks for saving Dtum.”

“It was nothing. Nothing at all.” Mem’s face clouded with embarrassment. My outburst had cost her nah or face. The juice junkie wasn’t her type. My hands trembled with a fifteen year-old’s adrenaline. “I was lucky.”

This festival is about fun and that’s how I do it now

Fun fun fun. Sanuk sanuk sanuk.