Exterminate Exterminate

Doctor Who’s arch-enemies, the Daleks, have been retired by the BBC. Their continual failure to achieve their mission of ultimate extermination downgraded the threat of the extraterrestial mutants. The studio hasn’t announced any plans for the retired aliens, but this year my landlord AP set up a mobile AC unit in my apartment for my birthday.

It was a warm week and I had had a hard time sleeping that evening and my restlessness had nothing to do with the four beers I had as a nightcap.

The problem was that the smooth white Royal Sovereign Colling Unit resembled the plasma-spewing hate-fill war machine of the Daleks shorn of the hemispherical protuberances and killing appendages against the Daleks.

My sleep was disturbed by memories of the mutants’ croaking cry.

“Make no attempt to capture them, they are to be exterminated, you understand, exterminated.”

I woke each time to glare at the Royal Sovereign Colling Unit.

The temperature in my room was 73F.

It seemed to be doing its job and I fell back asleep with one eye open and a long scarf on the bedpost. It always worked for Doctor Who and he was ever-victorious.

I will not be exterminated.

Tinkering With NASA Tinkle

In 2008 Astronauts on the International Space Station were hard at work repairing the Intergalactic Piss Cleaner. This device was designed to convert urine and sweat into potable water, thereby decreasing the transport loads of the supply rockets. Unfortunately the urine centrifuge was out of whack and the astronauts have been forced to cut down on their water intake.

“The water should be 70% condensation and 30% urine.” At present it’s 90/10.

Less piss sounds good to me

None sounds even better.

Sex Space No-No

Newton’s 3rd Law of motion is succinctly described as every motion creates an opposite motion and scientist have cited the absolutism of this law as proof that man can not have sex in Space. The more you try to enter the farther you go from your destination in the state of weightlessness.

Foreplay should to attainable, however actual intercourse might prove impossible. The late Arthur C Clarke theorized that humans were destined to reach an ‘happy ending’ and in RENDEZVOUS WITH RAMA wrote the following: “Some women, Commander Norton had decided long ago, should not be allowed aboard ship; weightlessness did things to their breasts that were too damn distracting. It was bad enough when they were motionless; but when they started to move, and sympathetic vibrations set in, it was more than any warm-blooded male should be asked to take. He was quite sure that at least one serious space accident had been caused by acute crew distraction, after the transit of an unholstered lady officer through the control cabin.”

High orbit presents a myriad of challenges to space missions. Physical and Mental. The present NASA pilot for the International Space Station has ruled that sex is an activity better left for earth. The career navy man fends off any queries about intercourse among his crew with the easy answer.

“We don’t have it and we won’t.”

Four women. Two men.

Menage a trois times two.

I’ve only had sex once in orbit. A trans-Pacific flight. LA-Bangkok. I hadn’t had sex in six months. Mam was waiting at the airport. I thought about her nakedness once high over the Pacific. I stayed in the bathroom five minutes.

“Are you all right,” asked the 60 year-old United stewardess.


And I bet the astronauts are just as human.

Only better than better.

The best.

One Small Stool For Mankind

Even astronauts are human.

We are ruled by simple things.

None simpler than our bowels.

They rule all.

To read the dialogue, click on above image twice

Especially James T Kirk.

To hear astronauts talking about farts, please go the following Url

The Stars Beyond Our Touch

The stars have obsessed Man throughout our existence on the planet. We have stared at the distant pinpoints of light and asked if anyone was out there. Our ancient ancestors thought the cosmos was the home of the gods, Christians prayed upward to heaven, and modern scientists have mapped the universe with telescopes. Our early ventures into Space were on the nose of rockets.

During the Cold War Russia and the USA raced into Space on those giant firecrackers.

Every launch was done in top secrecy and skeptics have continually accused NASA of faking the 1969 Landing on the Moon, but no one doubted the performance the US Space Shuttles blasting off from Cape Kennedy.

Since 1982 the six manned spacecraft have lifted from this mortal coil.

Twice the missions ended in disaster. The Challenger exploded on take-off in 1986 and Columbia disintegrated on entry in 2003.

In 2009 the Atlantis lifted off from the Kennedy Space Center for the final space mission to the International Space Station.

335 astronauts have ridden the Shuttle into orbit. The fleet has clocked over 500,000,000 miles in that time. A long way for Man, but light travels the 93 million miles between the Sun and the Earth in a little more than 8 minutes, so Man is not ready for the stars and many of us stranded on the planet wonder about the future of NASA’s space program, especially with NASA touting the efforts of Boeing and the Sierra Nevada Corporation to develop a cheaper version of the Space Shuttle. Several other ventures are financing the corporate race into Space. None are capable of producing a manned orbiter within this decade, leaving Mankind locked on Mother Earth.

The International Space Station will have to be supplied by Russian rockets until the replacement shuttles are ready for Space.

The GOP are hoping on never, because the religious right are convinced that the heavens are for the dead and not the living.

But I’m a Trekkie and Trekkies always believe that when the shit gets a foot high we step a foot higher.

And I believe in the old Space motto, “Next year Andromeda.”

But just in case I’m ready to construct my own orbiter powered by two gallons of Mississippi moonshine attached to a lawn chair.

Total outlay $98.

Possible lift-off of 5 feet.

Yes, I do want to be a spaceman.