Erotic Hot Dog Contest

The best hamburger in the world came from Simpson’s Grove outside Portland. The buns were toasted, the sauce was a mild relish/ketchup combo, cheddar cheese melting over the edges, and an all-beef patties sizzling with grilled fat.


No trace of this heavenly hamburger stand exists on the internet.

The best steak came from a trip to Upper Michigan.

Late-August 1987.

Paul Fullerton drove Greg Hunt and me to a Finnish friend’s farm. The air was pure off the lake. We swam in its pristine waters. Summer had another month to run, but the leaves were turning silver and Thorvo wanted to kill the winter beef.

“I got one all picked out, yea-ut.”

Thorvo got out him 30/30 rifle and walked into the pasture.

The other cows shunned the condemned steer.

>One bullet put down the cow.

Two hours later steaks charred on the fire under a million stars in the skies. The beef was tender enough to cut with a plastic knife. Yummy.

I don’t eat many burgers these days.

Cows aren’t really cows anymore. Not in the USA where a California meatpacker recalled 65 million kilograms of ground beef, 24% of which was destined for the children in the US School System. 65 million kilograms weighs as much as a million 65 kilo humans. Three times the size of Baltimore. The beef was recalled after a video showing meatpackers loading stricken beef into trucks for the slaughterhouse with forklifts and the aid of electro-shock sticks, despite the FDA ban on accepting ‘downer’ cows.

>”Not much concern for mad cow disease, since it’s very rare,” assured an FDA official and Steve Mendell, president of Hallmark/Westland, sputtered afterward that he was “shocked and horrified” by the videos and voluntarily suspended operations pending the outcome of the inquiry. Two Mexican laborers are currently being sought for animal cruelty charges.

No one will say by whom, so “hold the Pickles, hold the lettuce and hold the beef, while you’re at it.”

Burger King is the non beef burger.

We are what we eat.

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