# 1.) ….name your son ‘Fenway’.
2.) ….you move to another city, but support the Red Sox, Celtics, Bruins, and Patriots, even after Tom Brady married a Victoria Secrets’ model.
3.) …recognize that fried clams are only fried clams, if they have bellies and I mean big bellies like they serve at Tony’s on Wollaston Beach, Woodman’s in Essex, and Jake’s in Wolverham.
Unless you’re getting fried clams strips from Hojos on Rte. 3 before the 128 split-off.
4.) …are asked what is your favorite New England beer and you answer without a pause, “Naragansetts.”
Made with Honor.
The rest are wannabes.
5.) …cry hearing Teddy Kennedy quote his brother RFK during the eulogy.
“There are those who look at things the way they are, and ask why… I dream of things that never were, and ask why not?”
6.) …leap out of your chair and dance with Carlton Fisk, while watching a rerun of 1975 Game Six against the Cincinnati Reds.
7.) …wish the State of Massachusetts had given $500,000 to 40,000 Bostonians to stay at home rather than build the Big Dig.
8.) …vote for ROADRUNNER by the Modern Lovers as the State Song.
Anyone suggesting DREAM ON should move back to New Hampshire.
9.) …wished you went to Beaver Country Day School, since they scored more snow days than any other school in Boston.
10.) …recognize that Boston is a racist city. I taught at South Boston High School during the riots. It was a time of shame setting poor against poor.
And the way the sportwriters treated Bill Russell and Jim Rice.
11.) …never put a foot on Harvard Yard or parked your car there.
12.) …would rather have a burger at Brighams than Mickey Ds.
13.) … have heard the 1812 OVERTURE at the Hatch Shell.
14.) have drank 50% of the beers at Jacob Wirth’s, although not at one sitting.
15.) …recognized that James Brown saved Boston from burning on the night of Martin Luther King’s assassination.
16.) …consider Boston City Hall the most aesthetically beautiful building in the city.
Bullfinch’s State House is elegant, but nothing usual.
17.) …actually are scared walking across Copps Hill Cemetery in broad daylight.
Read HP Lovercraft’s PICKMAN’S MODEL.
18.) …appreciate the lost wickedness of the Combat Zone.
See the photos of Roswell Angier, Jerry Berndt and John Goodman.
19.) …understand your accent is something special.
One night in Bangkok circa 1990 I overheard someone with a Southie accent. We shook hands and drank to Bobby Orr.
“We must be the only two guy from Boston in Thailand.”
“Nope, those two guys over there are from Dorchester.”
We joined forces and spoke in the only tongue known to our kind.
20.) …headed to the Quincy Quarries for a swim.
21.) …know that family is almost everything, because after the Red Sox family is everything.
22.) …appreciate the true beauty of the Mattapan – Ashmont trolley line.
23.) …are proud that Marky Mark is one of us.
Even if he shouldn’t have been wed by an ex-Jets player in the movie TED.
FUCK THE JETS AND THE RANGERS TOO.
24.) …accept the reality of the Giselle Bundchen Curse on the Patriots.
25.) …realize that you love Boston no matter what.