Beer As the Cure


SYMPTOM Feet cold and wet
CAUSE Glass Being held at incorrect angle.
CORRECTIVE ACTION Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling

SYMPTOM Feet warm and wet
CAUSE Improper Bladder Contro
CORRECTIVE ACTION Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training

SYMPTOM Beer unusually pale and tasteless
CAUSE a. Glass empty b. You’re holding a Coors Lite
CORRECTIVE ACTION Get someone to buy you another beer

SYMPTOM Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
CAUSE You have fallen over backward
CORRECTIVE ACTION Have yourself lashed to bar

SYMPTOM Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes
CAUSE You have fallen forward

SYMPTOM Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
CAUSE a. Mouth not open b. Glass applied to wrong part of face
CORRECTIVE ACTION Retire to restroom, practice in mirror

SYMPTOM Floor Blurred
CAUSE You are looking through bottom of empty glass
CORRECTIVE ACTION Get someone to buy you another beer

SYMPTOM Floor moving
CAUSE You are being carried out
CORRECTIVE ACTION Find out if you are being taken to another bar

SYMPTOM Room seems unusually dark
CAUSE Bar has closed
CORRECTIVE ACTION Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run

SYMPTOM Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
CAUSE Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
CORRECTIVE ACTION Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside

SYMPTOM Everyone looks up to you and smiles
CAUSE You are dancing on the table
CORRECTIVE ACTION Fall on someone cushy-looking

SYMPTOM Beer is crystal-clear
CAUSE It’s water! Somebody is trying to sober you up

SYMPTOM People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup
CAUSE You’re in the ladies room
CORRECTIVE ACTION Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional)

SYMPTOM Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
CAUSE You have been in a fight
CORRECTIVE ACTION Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them

SYMPTOM Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in
CAUSE You’ve wandered into the wrong party
CORRECTIVE ACTION See if they have free beer

SYMPTOM Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk
CAUSE a. You’re in jail b. You’re in the navy
CORRECTIVE ACTION Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don’t talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach

SYMPTOM Your singing sounds distorted
CAUSE The beer is too weak
CORRECTIVE ACTION Have more beer until your voice improves

SYMPTOM Don’t remember the words to the song
CAUSE Beer is just right

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