Several years ago my doctor and I were cleaning out the medicine cabinets of his deceased father’s office. It was in his parents’ old house. where his old man had spent over 40 years caring for thousands of Staten Islanders. We were surprised to find three small boxes of Quaaludes. Their expiration date was 1979.

“You think they’re any good?” My doctor asked examining one jar. Six pills were stuffed under a cotton ball. ‘Ludes were the Eucharist of Disco. No girl could say no to them or after one or two. They were banned in 1979. To most people they were a myth.

“Only one way to find.” I cracked open the jar and jiggled out one pill. It tasted like the last one I took at Studio 54. Like I needed another half. An hour later my doctor asked where I thought I was.

“In the bathroom?” Everything was so nice and fuzzy.

“You’re in the living room pissing into the fireplace.”

“So I guess they still work.”

My doctor and I decided to save the ‘ludes for a special occasion. Ten years ago. every time I tell anyone about the ‘ludes they tell me a story and beg for one. I have been a strict guardian. After these are gone they will never exist again and I feel like a hunter getting ready to kill the last do-do birds.


My friend Randall Koral has decided to come out to Thailand to film THE LAST QUAALUDES ON EARTH. I asked about a storyline and here was his reply.

“Don’t worry about movie-scripting. I have a better idea. Really simple. It’ll be a docu-drama-epic-adventure. It’s called “Lude: Four Days of Sex and Extinct Pharmaceuticals in Thailand” and it goes like this: You told me you had found the last three ludes on Planet Earth and I thought that sounded like a good reason to meet you in Thailand with my film gear, bringing with me the last rolls of Kodachrome 40 Super 8 film on Planet Earth. We celebrate Fenway’s first birthday then we head off into the unknown. My interviews with you, with you speaking on camera about why Quaaludes and life, in general, were so great in the 1970s, will be shot in video. I’ll shoot everything else — landscape, girlfriends, Thai friends, nightlife, daylife — in Super 8 with a good 1970s rock soundtrack. As long as we keep it simple it should work.”

Getting your motors running.

I’m shooting for Best Short Documentary of 2010.

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