The swine flu panic seems to have abated after the news media stopped flogging the story. New cases are still reported around the country, although without the fatalities that struck Mexico. My trip throughout the Midwest ranged far from urban centers. Sometimes my Scottish friend and I didn’t have any human contact for hours. The roads were devoid of cars. Everyone was on the interstate. The towns were empty. The citizenry shopped at the malls close to the interstate. It was almost like the world ceased to exist and I related to my travel companion a zombie dream.
“It was 1975. I was taking a bus from Monterrey, Mexico to Texas. I was reading a book by HP Lovecraft. The bus stopped in a small town. I had a taco. It tasted a little funny and that night I was sick with food poisoning. I checked into a small hotel at the border. The Mexican side. It was cheaper. I lay on the bed with a fever. I read my book and fell asleep. Sometime in the night I dreamed I was being chased through a garden by slow-moving zombies.”
“I hate the way zombies move fast in RESIDENT EVIL.” My Scottish friend was a horror film buff.
“Slow zombies are classic, but there were too many of them in my dream. They cut off any escape and I ran to a gazebo. Old screens to keep out mosquitoes covered the windows. I locked the door. The zombies huddled around the gazebo. Their breath smelled of rotting flesh. They scrapped at the screen with long yellow fingernails. Their teeth ground in anticipation of sinking into my flesh, then a voice deeper than a six-foot grave said, “Tell us the secret of human life.”
“The secret of human life?”
“I didn’t know what the secret of human life was and there was no stalling the zombies either. When they’re hungry, they’re hungry. They broke through the screens. I shut my eyes expecting the worse.”
“You’re not supposed to die in dreams.” My friend had read Jung.
“That’s what they say and I tried to wake up, but couldn’t and I heard the voice say, “Tell us the secret of human life and I’ll let you live for another minute.”
“And what happened?”
“I realized the secret of human life was that no matter how bad the 61st second would be I still wanted the next 60. The urge to live.”
“And then?”
“And then I woke up. No teeth marks, so I’m not really scared of zombies.”
“No.”
“No.” I haven’t been to a zombie movie in years. “You ever see SHAUN OF THE DEAD?”
“That’s not a real zombie movie.”
I agreed and that is the why I like funny zombies better than scary ones. We drove north toward Minnesota. No one on the road. Malls are more dangerous to humanity than zombies.