GOTHAM BOOKS has disappeared from NYC along with my favorite bars, restaurants, and hardware stores. They have been replaced by tee-shirt shops selling XXXX size to overweight tourists bussed from Scranton PA or fancy bars serving $10 Buds to Wall Street junior execs and their fat fiancees.
At the Gotham the staff debated which den of inequity deserved the dubious title of best dive bar on Manhattan. My vote went to the SUBWAY INN next to Bloomingdale’s. That venerable den of inequity still serves the cheapest drinks Midtown. A toast bygone eras of errors, but we also discussed everything pertaining to inebriation.
Here’s the cashier Michelle’s list of giveaway signs of a drunk lady.
1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.
2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING
OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING “WOO-HOO!” IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE
3. WE’VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE’S ASS
AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.
4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK
MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE
JUST FOUR HOURS AGO
5. WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE
LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.
6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A
NEW SONG PLAY’S BECAUSE “OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!”
7. WE’VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING
NEXT TO US.
8. WE’VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD
9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY
GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT’S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN
NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.
10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY
LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop?)
11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID’S DOWN WHEN WE SIT
12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT’S THEIR
FAULT THAT WE’RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.
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