The Pump / Thai Legend


(16 April 1997) “The government must crack down on this disgusting craze of ‘Pumping’,” a spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima hospital told reporters. “If this perversion catches on, it will destroy the cream of Thailand’s manhood.” He was speaking after the remains of 13 year-old Charnchai Puanmuangpak had been rushed into the hospital’s emergency room.

“Most ‘Pumpers’ use a standard bicycle pump,” he explained, “inserting the nozzle far up their rectum, giving themselves a rush of air, creating a momentary high. This act is a sin against God.” Charnchai took it further still. He started using a two-cylinder foot pump, but even that wasn’t exciting enough for him, and he boasted to friends that he was going to try the compressed air hose at a nearby gasoline station. They dared him to do it so, under cover of darkness, he sneaked in.

Not realizing how powerful the machine was, he inserted the tube deep into his rectum, and placed a coin in the slot. As a result, he died virtually instantly, but passersby are still in shock. One woman thought she was watching a twilight fireworks display, and started clapping.

“We still haven’t located all of him.”, say the police authorities. “When that quantity of air interacted with the gas in his system, he nearly exploded. It was like an atom bomb went off or something.”

“Pumping is the devil’s pastime, and we must all say no to Satan,” Ratchasima concluded. “Inflate your tires by all means, but then hide your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you.”

This story is unsubstantiated by my fellow rumor-mongers, although it’s well-known that many sex addicts submit to enemas to achieve unbelievable pleasure from the unbearable pressure in their anal passage. The CIA call this technique ‘water-bumming’, but have yet to respond to the many offers from masochists to assist the intelligence agency in their quest to find the politically appropriate ‘torture lite’.

The more popular pump is a heavy-duty plastic device for men, which suctions their penis into erection as well as temporarily expand the size of their member. The CIA has not found a use for this instrument, although GW Bush contends, “The pump is a vital part of the strategy against global terrorism. I just can’t tell you how.”

Hopefully no one tells the leader of the free world about the Thai version.

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