I’m Not Gay Senator Craig

Men have many rules for manly behavior in a bathroom.

Straight men do not make eye contact with strangers. Straight men don’t converse with strangers while you’re peeing. Straight men do not look at penises while you are peeing.


Most men obey these rules, however a network of ‘tearooms’ ie gay toilets stretch across the world and GOP Senator Craig from Idaho (State known for potatoes and right-wing militias) was caught in this web of sexual intrigue by a police sting operation financed under a little-known Homeland Security program in the men’s toilets at Minneapolis-St Paul airport this past June.

The Media have been joking about the incident as BROKEBACK BATHROOM in reference to the acclaimed gay cowboy film, which I thought should have been named BAREBACK MOUNTAIN, however FBI and other Homeland Security agencies have been concerned about the link between these rest stops for casual sex and terrorists due to the belief that most Muslims are not so much gay, but will have sex with anything including animals. A sheep being most preferable. Living in Pattaya I have seen Gulf State men frequenting the Kazahki prostitutes ugly enough to make a train take a dirt road, so I understand their vigilance extending to airport terminals.

Bathroom sex-gays-Muslims-9/11 are only three degrees of separation from disaster.

Sen. Larry Craig was seen entering the men’s room. Innocent so far. He went into a stall. Not guilty yet. Seeing a man’s foot he tapped on the cubicle wall, reached down with his hand, and slid his foot under the stall to entice the unseen man into an act of abomination.
Enough was enough.

The anti-terrorist SWAT squad arrested the Republican for gross misdemeanor interference to privacy and disorderly conduct. He pleaded guilty to the latter charge without any legal representative.


A US Senator gets busted in a men’s room and pleads guilty.

Where was his spin doctor?

Maybe in the stall next to him.

Speaking to reporters, Mr. Craig claimed: “I am not gay. I never have been gay.”

If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and shits like a duck, then it should be a duck, but what do I know, for during a discussion with Jamie Parker at the Bus Stop Bar on Soi 6, he said sympathically, “You’re in prison. Not jail. Prison. You’re not going to see a woman for maybe ten years. A cute punk con offers you a blow job. Does that make you gay?”

“Yes.” I was brought up a Catholic. Queer is queer no matter what the priest says about hugging ou.

“Sonny Barger. You remember him?”

“He was president of the Hell’s Angels and said, “As long as I get paid for it then I ain’t gay.”

“He said that.”

“Maybe, but you get the drift.”

“I don’t know I’m not really into kissing guys.”

“This has nothing to do with kissing. It’s sex. If you were in twenty years and that ka-toey across the street was put into your cell.” He pointed to a statuesque raven-haired lady-boy in a band-aid bar, two inch mini-skirt, and high heels.  “If she was in your cell, could you resist?”

“No.” I had to be honest.

“And does that make you gay?”

“No.” Not to me, but if you asked any man at a baseball game he would beg to differ, unless he saw this ka-toey. She was stunning.

“So it’s the same for Senator Craig.” Jamie signaled the ka-toey he would be coming to see her. She smiled with a flash of her ass. “He was horny. That’s all. Being horny isn’t a crime. He was looking for sex. And if you’re a senator you should be able to have sex with a queer and not be gay. Isn’t that the privilege of power? And what about Bill Clinton? You’re the most powerful man on Earth and you can’t get a little love from a fat little intern bringing you a pizza. Damn, if you can’t then, what’s all that power worth. Nothing.”

“And that’s why the USA ended up with GW Bush.”


“Because no one human can be elected president.”

“GW is a cokehead. No one’s ever piss tested him. Plus he re-enacts DEBBIE DOES DALLAS every time he goes to Crawford. The only difference between him and Craig is that he was discreet.”

“Are you saying GW’s gay?”

“No, I would never say that.” His eyes scanned the sky for an NRA satellite. You could never know who was listening. “All I’m saying is that the USA is too hung up on sex. Thinking about it all the time and never allowed to have it, because you’re supposed to be a man who doesn’t drink doesn’t do drugs, doesn’t have sex and then you go to heaven to do the same thing. Damn, better to be a sinner.”

I could only agree, since Pattaya was the last refuge for the wicked.

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